A Different Kind of Waiting Game

My husband and I decided on whether or not to try to have another baby.  We decided against it. However, before we decided against it, we decided FOR it, and had a day of unprotected sex. We have since come to our senses, and now I’m in purgatory while I wait for my period.

How did I get myself into this?

I was originally on the fence about trying again.  You can read my trepidation list if you want to hear me go on and on about it.  The gist is, I was really sad after my miscarriage, and I wanted that baby back, but I was not 100% committed to everything it takes to get and birth and raise a baby.  The fears were outweighing the desire.

My husband was 100% pro baby.  He really wanted to try again, not just because he was sad about our MC, but because he really wanted a 3rd (my 4th) child.  He wanted to hold another baby, to see that baby with our existing children, to love and cherish one more little person.  We had many conversations about it, and his love and readiness and certainty finally swayed me to the pro side.

The plan was that we would only try for a few months: I felt like I could get completely behind it, as long as it happened sooner rather than later, as we are practically still in baby mode and I’d want any future child to be as close in age as possible to my little ones.  I was just about to go back to work, but haven’t yet, and another big reason to try now then let it go was that I want to move forward with my career and we wouldn’t be able to afford 3 in daycare, so I’d be putting that off again, until we have a kindergartener.  We decided that if we weren’t pregnant in 2-3 months, I would get on birth control, we would rethink the plan, and hubs would likely schedule his vasectomy (which was originally scheduled for April 28).

The day we made our big decision, we had unprotected sex twice, we were so excited to try!

The next morning, unbeknownst to me, my husband woke up sick with dread (what have I done?)!  The implications of another child crashed over him in the night.  The financial implications, the work, the change, the stress on my body, stress in the house, stress on the other kids, stress on the pocketbook, etc, etc,.  He suddenly felt crazy for having pushed for it, but he kept it to himself for a while and continued to think on it.  He told me when it was obvious that something had changed, and I asked.

I felt relief at his confession.  I had been getting scared about all the same things, and feeling nervous and alone and avoiding the bedroom, so it was welcome news . . . except, what about those couple of occasions?  Technically, it was within my fertility window.  It seems silly to worry about one day’s unprotected intercourse when you spent years unprotected and unable to get pregnant, and I’m sure nothing will come of it, I think . . . but I keep googling and everyone talks about how fertile one is after pregnancy or a MC, darn you google!

It’s been 16 years since I stared at a pregnancy test hoping to see a negative result, but there I will be.  Thankfully, when we were set to try, I ordered a bunch of cheapo tests on Amazon, so I have plenty.  I’m sure I’ll start poasing tomorrow, 6 days before my scheduled period, just to give myself a false sense of security.  Counting down to May 6; and hopefully my period won’t be late!

So we wait.