What is it about fear of pregnancy that makes one feel so pregnant? Sore boobs, fatigue, waves of nausea: check.
To be fair, my breast tenderness has been present since before my miscarriage, but of course I attribute it to pregnancy now. Maybe I’m just tired from worry, and my turbulent teenager, and my two toddlers, and my night classes and job interviews (seriously comically bad job interviews y’all, more on that later)? The nausea, well, usually it washes over me when I’m obsessing about the fact that I might be pregnant . . . or does it hit me and then I start obsessing about possibly being pregnant? I dunno.
I’m counting down days until Saturday when my period is due, and flying through my cheap pregnancy tests in the interim. I only have six left, out of 25. All negative so far. However, I looked back at my pregnancy with Rio, and I didn’t get a positive pregnancy test until 3 days before the expected day of my next period. Which would be tomorrow for me.
Looking back at those pictures, I remember how thrilled and shocked I was to see those two pink lines, so very faint and perfect. We had only started trying that month, and it had taken us 3 years with big sis. I took two more tests as the day went on, just loving those tiny pink lines on paper, and watching them get darker and darker as the days went by.
If I am blessed enough to see those two lines again this week, my heart will open right up and I’ll fall instantly madly in love with this baby, I know it. Right after I pull myself up off the floor, and stop throwing up while hyperventilating and crying. Right afterward.
Here’s to all the preggos out there! I know it’s hard and beautiful and magically uncomfortable. At least you don’t have to deal with Aunt Flo. Hang in there mommas!