I’m 3 for 4 now. Three healthy, beautiful children, and as of yesterday, 4 miscarriages. This pregnancy was utterly unexpected, which may be why I feel so lost now. After my littlest was born 15 months and one day after the birth of my middle child, I told my husband I was DONE. I was happy, gloriously happy and luckier than I ever thought I’d be, and 100% sure that no more children were coming out of this body. My husband was to get a vasectomy, and fast.
But, as men will do when it comes to snipping the goods, he dragged his feet, and kept dragging and dragging. Fast forward 18 months. We used the calendaring method, and the old pull out method, which seemed like birth control for two married idiots in their mid 30’s. Then, one day I realized I was a few days late, and an unsure feeling crept into my belly.
I’m never late, always 1-2 days early, so I wondered, but pushed such ludicrous thoughts out of my mind (hello! we were using ‘birth control’). My very challenging teenager was taking up all my energy, and then my poor husband accidentally backed the car over our cat, and the world stopped for a couple days while we (a very costly vet) tried to save her. By the time the dust settled, I was at least 4 days late, and supposed to pick the dead kitty up at the vet that afternoon to bury her. However, I just couldn’t NOT take a pregnancy test first. Except, the only ones I had expired back in 2014, cause I never planned on getting pregnant ever again. I peed on it anyway.
TWO PINK LINES!! WTH!? Utterly stunned. But those tests were soooooo expired! And, really no way (birth control!). In a state of disbelief, I dropped my little ones at grandma’s, so I could go get the kitty, but couldn’t help stopping at the pharmacy to purchase an (unexpired) pregnancy test. I picked up the kitty, and went home to pee on a stick and dig a hole. TWO BLUE LINES! I felt like throwing up, but wasn’t sure if it was the burying of the cat or the result of the test. I was so excited! I was so terrified! I was so happy! I had to call my husband. I had been so adamant about not having any more children that I needed him to know and understand. Those two pink lines made me fall in love again. I loved this baby so much! I wanted him/her, I could hardly wait to hold him/her and know him/her and kiss him/her.
My husband thought I would be crushed. His first words were, “I’m so sorry honey!” Mine were, “I’m not.”
The cheapie expired test.
The real deal.
He was thrilled. We planned, we talked about our previous miscarriages, but we were both so sure this baby was going to be born, that we didn’t give it a second. Our little Magic Baby, I called her in my head. I bought her a little bunny rabbit the size of my palm as her first snuggy, and I wore it in my shirt at bed time. I had a baby name list on Nameberry, I had narrowed names down for a boy or girl, but we were pretty sure she was a girl, based on how fierce I was feeling. We were scanning craigslist to buy baby stuff again (I sold everything after our last little one). We had even told a few friends/family. We were feeling so stunned by the joy and surprise that we were so sure this pregnancy was going to end with our little precious bundle warm and safe in our arms.
But that was not to be. Yesterday, I woke up and took a pregnancy test, because I’m obsessive about doing that almost every day during my first trimester (the old, cheap, expired ones that still work!). And I got a Positive! Two pink lines! Yes, all good. Then I wiped, and the toilet paper was pink. My heart dropped. Doom entered my chest. I wiped again: pink. I tried not to freak out. I wasn’t feeling crampy at all. I told my husband that I wasn’t feeling well as we got our two littles ready for swim class. His eyes were worried. We were 5 weeks, 4 days pregnant.
The morning went on, and the leaking continued: more brown/pink blood. An occasional twinge of cramping, but so faint, I did not want to believe it. But by the afternoon, the blood was bright red, and I was so depressed I was laying in bed. The cramps were uncomfortable, I took an Alieve to not feel the unfairness of it.
It’s so ridiculous, all the things you think when you are having a miscarriage, whether it’s your first, or your fourth.
- Maybe I was pregnant with twins, and I still have a baby hanging on in there. Maybe all hope is not lost (hang on baby). [It happens, its beautiful and heartbreaking, Look, and Here].
- I Googled 5-6 weeks pregant and pink/brown discharge and look at all the posts from people who had the same thing, or even legit BLEEDING, and did not lose the baby! This could happen, this could be me! Maybe this is just my confused uterus thinking it needs to have a period, and my baby is still hanging on strong (hold tight baby).
- Is this really considered bleeding? I haven’t soaked a pad or anything, I’ve had worse periods, so maybe it’s going to stop any minute and this is just a false alarm and my baby is fine (hold on baby).
- My cramps aren’t really bad at all, they say you have to have bright red blood and cramping to be having a MC. This blood is not bright red, and the cramps are weak, so maybe I’m not actually having one (please, please)?
On and on it continues. After four miscarriages, I still google to look for stories of other women who went on to have healthy children after having first trimester bleeding. Those stories are out there (not sure if they’re real, or if someone is making a lot of money on them as click-bait, we moms want it to be true SO BAD).
Nevertheless, here I am, no baby in my belly, as I planned for the last 1.5 years, but missing the baby that was in my belly terribly. I want her back so bad. My husband wants to try again now, but it’s only because we miss HER, not because it makes any sense whatsoever to have another child. I don’t blame him. A huge part of me wants to try to get pregnant again. It must be the heartbreak talking. I’m missing my Magic Baby terribly tonight.